Hamlet - Kenneth Branagh Written for the Celebrity Death Match Review Tournament

Act I, Scene I

Hamlet enters.

HAMLET: OK, Where's that ghost everyone told me about?

Jane Eyre enters.

HAMLET: Wait a minute. Who are you?

JANE" My name is Jane Eyre and I'm looking for Master Rochester.

HAMLET: I think you walked in on the wrong...You know...You're kind of cute for a British chick.

JANE: You're not bad yourself. Do you own a manor?

HAMLETS: (laughs) No, I own a castle.

JANE: Did I ask for Rochester...Who's Rochester? You don't by any chance have a princess locked in the tower?

HAMLET: No. I have a fiancee but she's scheduled to go crazy and kill herself in a few acts.

JANE: Perfect.

They kiss and Hamlet goes off to find someone to marry them and to reserve a room on a Baltic Sea Cruise.

Enter Claudius.

CLAUDIUS: Stop, I cannot allow this. It is a travesty! Besides, how the heck is Manny going to score this on the Death Match. There's no loser!

JANE: I don't know about that, dear Claudius. Y0u read the play right?

CLAUDIUS: Well, duh.

JANE: So what happens?

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet dies, I die, Everybody dies.

JANE: And me?

CLAUDIUS. You don't die. In fact, you're not even supposed to be here.

JANE: Exactly. So all I have to do is hide and wait, preferably not behind a curtain, and I survive, inherit a castle and move on to the next round.

CLAUDIUS: Brilliant! And will this seductive little ploy be your strategy in the final?

JANE: Depends. Who will be my rival?

Enters Winnie-the-pooh.

POOH: AW! Honey!

JANE: oh God, No!

Jane exits left stage pursued by a bear.

Verdict:

Hamlet vs Jane Eyre: Jane Eyre Wins

Jane Eyre vs. Winnie-the-Pooh: To be continued.